by David Allen Russell
 And by the way, you can buy my books on
Amazon.com.
It was getting dark and my back was aching from sitting at
the computer all day editing my new book for the publisher, when
my finger slipped and I hit some key I didn't intend to hit, and
suddenly the entire screen went blank. I tried to restore it but
the back arrow wouldn't do it and the screen froze. My mouse
would not move anything and neither would key strokes, so I hit
control alt delete and a window came up saying "end
task." I clicked on it and another window came up asking me
if I wanted to exit or end task. I clicked on End Task and it
returned me to my Desktop. Unfortunately I hadn't saved my hours
of editing to any file, so hours of work were down the tube.
Boy! I was pissed off. Hours of work, a sore back, and the
thought of it was making smoke come out of my ears. For just a
moment I thought about the axe I had in the garage and how much
fun it would be to just kill the frigging computer and go back
to my old typewriter. Life was much simpler then.
Scientists had predicted that the computer would make our
lives simpler and give us more free time, but I was thinking of
the college where my wife worked. Four people had done the
payroll for the entire place for years until they put in
$200,000.00 worth of computer equipment. Now it took thirty
people to do the payroll and the checks were often late and
wrong. They had to set up another department and hire more
people just to handle correcting the mistakes. But I fumed and
imagined the world of the past. Suddenly, I heard the soft drop of
mail through my front door slot, and thought it might be a good
time to stretch my back and go see what the post person (we
can't say post man anymore because it might hurt some woman's
feelings) might have brought me. Maybe it might be good news, a
check from my publisher, or a letter from one of the kids
wanting to borrow some money to get an ear pierced, or a new
tattoo. So, I got up, stretched, and walked to the hallway to
retrieve the mail pretending that is was Xmas, and expecting
good news, money, or maybe even a letter telling me I had won
the lotto. It is always fun to get mail, and my spirits were
high. Positive thinking sometimes sends messages out into the
Universe that turns positive thoughts into positive reality. I
was hoping.
A bill from Shell oil for my gasoline for the last month.
Double what it was the month before. Not because I drove more,
but because the oil companies had raised the prices to an all
time outrageous rate. Well, they needed the money, they said,
because the Arabs were cutting supply. Bull puckey. With
hundreds of tankers out on the ocean and all the tanks and
pipelines in the United States full, at the old price, they went
ahead and put the new price on the old oil and were stealing
billions from John Q Public because it was election time and the
Senate and Congress were taking a break, and they could get away
with it.
There was a letter from some credit company telling me I was
pre-approved for thousands of dollars and all I had to do was
mail the card back. I looked at the fine print.
$38.00 late charge if you missed a payment by a millisecond,
they had the right to raise the rate any time they felt like it
to 30%, and there was a yearly fee, even if I never used it.
That one went right in the trash right after I ripped it into
several million pieces.
A card from my telephone company telling me that I could get
a cell phone free and for a monthly fee of only $14.95 I would
have 500 minutes a month with no up front fee, and no
cost for the phone. Well, that sounded pretty good. I'd like
my wife to have it just in case she ever broke down on the
freeway, or was in any kind of trouble, so I decided to call the
800 number. After all, it wasn't even going to cost anything to
call them and it was my phone company and it said my credit on
this deal was already approved. I dialed the number.
"Thank you for calling your phone company. If you wish
to hear this message in Spanish, press one. If you wish to hear
this message in English, Press two" I pressed two. there
was a slight delay and then another voice came on the line.
"If you know the extension of the party you wish to speak
to you can dial that extension now. If you are calling about
billing, press one . If you are calling about repair service,
press two. If you are calling about adding an existing line,
press three. If you are calling about canceling your service for
any reason, press four. If you are calling about installing new
service in a house, press five. If you are calling about service
for a business, press six, if you are calling for any other
reason, press seven, and if you are not really sure why you are
calling and don't have a button phone, stay on the line and one
of our representatives will assist you. If you wish to hear this
message again press seven." Well, one thing I was sure of,
and that is that I didn't want to hear that message again, but
at the same time I was absolutely certain that I didn't want to
listen to all that gobbledegook again, so I pressed seven. There
was a click, then music, and then a voice saying, "all of
our representatives are helping other customers at the moment.
Please stay on the line and some one will help you in the order
in which you called." That damned music again. I didn't
like what they were playing at all, and longed for the sound of
a real person to talk to, but after a few moments I got another
recording. "Please stay on the line. Your call is very
important to us and one of our representatives will be with you
soon." More of that stupid music. Diddledee, diddeloool,
diddledee. Music for morons. Morons like me who was sitting here
with a phone to my ear, like some punished child waiting for
momma to come say the punishment was over and I could come out
of my room now. And to make matters even more crappy, I had to
pee. But, I had a lot of time invested here, so I crossed my
leg, bit my lip and waited through three more of those
"Please stay on the line" messages, and finally, after
what seemed like an eternity, a pleasant voice answered.
"HI, I'm Cheryl. How can I help you?" It was a sweet
voice but I knew she was lying. All those girls on phone banks
call themselves Cheryl. Her real name was probably something
like, Hortense Brocksgtein, and the phone bank manager told her,
"We can't have you using a name like that. Call yourself
Cheryl. It sounds more romantic. More sexy." and, Hortense
said, "Okay" because she didn't want to get fired.
"Cheryl," I crooned in my best Ricky Martin
imitation, "I got this flyer about the cell phone special
and…." She interrupted me immediately, not wanting to
waste much time with me, but she was nice, in her very charming
and unobtrusive Cheryl voice saying, "Oh, that is in our Los
Angeles office."
"I'm in the Los Angeles area, Lake Elsinore," I
said, losing my Ricky Martin facade" Where are you,
Cheryl?"
"Oh, I'm in Salt Lake City. You need to
call our wireless services office. They are in Los Angeles. That number is
toll free. Do you have a pen or pencil?"
"Yes I do, Cheryl."
She gave me the number and I wrote it down, then said,
"What is your real name Cheryl?"
"Thank you for calling your phone company," she
answered in that sugar sweet voice, and then disconnected. I
thought of calling her back, but I knew I'd have to listen to
that damned string of recorded messages again, and besides, she
was probably just one of a hundred girls manning the phones and
I'd probably get someone else if I tried. Instead I dialed the
number she gave me for cellular service in Los Angeles. It
answered after two rings and I heard, "Thank you for
calling your phone company. If you wish to hear this message in
Spanish press one. If you wish to hear this message in English,
press two." I pressed two. there was a slight delay and
then another voice came on the line. "If you know the
extension of the party you wish to speak to you can dial that
extension now. If you are calling about billing, press one . If
you are calling about repair service, press two. If you are
calling about adding an existing line, press three. If you are
calling about canceling your service for any reason, press four.
If you are calling about installing new service in a house,
press five. If you are calling about service for a business,
press six, if you are calling for any…. I HUNG UP. and went
back to my computer to finish editing The Masked Driver novel.
Of course I had lost it all with one mistaken stroke, but it
occurred to me to try and see if I could restore it. I clicked
on the START button in the lower left corner of my desktop
screen, then selected FIND. A window came up and on the list was
a place to type in the name of my missing editing job. I typed
in Masked Driver.doc, then clicked on search. On the screen I
saw the files rotating as the search began, then it stopped and
listed my Masked Driver.doc as being in a TEMP directory. I
right clicked on the name and it took me to the TEMP directory.
Once there I clicked on the title of the document I was editing
and another window asked me if I wanted to delete it or restore
it. I clicked restore and it came right up. Then I clicked on
file, save as, and saved it in My Documents, in the novels
folder.
I was a pretty happy camper by then. I didn't get the cell
phone, but I saved a half days work. Maybe the computer was
better than the old typewriter after all. Anyway, I was tired
and it was time to watch TV, relax, and have a well deserved
beer.
 David
Allen Russell www.allenpublishing.com
Email Russwrite@excite.com
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